i don't like sucking hair
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
