You just made me feel so damn special
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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