tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
