just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
