don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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