She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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