i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
