I am in a vortex of obligation.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
