the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
