Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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