you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
