**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
