I can't breathe out the right side of my face
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
