oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
