I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
