Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You can't just leave with hair like that
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
