the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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