plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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