I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
