How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
