How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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