I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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