last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I skipped work to stalk him.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
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