Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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