Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
