no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
