You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She told me I should be a condom model.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
