Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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