He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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