I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
