Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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