New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
