I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
