the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
