She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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