maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
