Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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