If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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