This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
