you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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