Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
