he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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