Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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