Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
