he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
