I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
