Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize