so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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