i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
