Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize