just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize