Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
