Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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