Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
