i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
