It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
