i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
