If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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