If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize