Sponge bath it is.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
